“We would probably leave if we didn’t have kids.”
“I don’t want our children to grow up in a broken family.”
“But I’m worried about what our conflict is doing to them.”
“Would they be better off if we stayed together?”

These are some of the most difficult questions a couple can face.

When a relationship is struggling, parents can feel torn between wanting to preserve their family and wanting to protect their children from ongoing conflict. But what does the research tell us about how children experience these decisions?

It is not simply about staying together or separating

It is understandable for parents to focus on the potential impact of separation. Separation can bring significant changes to children’s lives, including changes to living arrangements, routines, schooling and relationships with parents, extended family and peers (AIFS, 2025).

However, the research suggests that the question is more complex than simply asking whether children are better off if their parents stay together or separate.

A more helpful question may be:

“What are our children experiencing within our family right now, and how might their well-being be affected by either remaining together or separating?”

Children’s experiences of separation vary considerably. Their adjustment can be influenced by the circumstances surrounding the separation, the quality of their relationships with their parents, and the level of conflict before, during and after separation (AIFS, 2025).

This means that the quality of the family environment matters, not simply whether parents live together or apart.

What happens when children experience ongoing parental conflict?

Children do not necessarily need to understand the details of their parents’ relationship to be affected by it.

They may notice tension at the dinner table, hear arguments from their bedroom, sense when one parent withdraws from the other, or become anxious when conflict begins. Some children may even begin to feel responsible for keeping the peace.

Australian research provides important evidence about the relationship between inter-
parental conflict and children’s wellbeing. Drawing on data from Growing Up in Australia: The Longitudinal Study of Australian Children, the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that inter-parental conflict was associated with poorer health and wellbeing for mothers and children. Importantly, the research also identified differences between families who experienced conflict at some point and those experiencing persistent conflict. This suggests that reducing or escaping persistent conflict may be associated with recovery in some aspects of maternal and child functioning (AIFS, 2017).

This does not mean that separation is necessarily better for children.

Rather, it reminds us that the important question is not simply:
“Are the parents together?”
but also:
“What is the family environment like for the children?”

A couple may remain together and work towards reducing destructive conflict, improving communication and rebuilding their emotional connection. For another family, separation may eventually become the pathway they choose. The circumstances of each family are different.

An important distinction: conflict and domestic and family violence

It is important to distinguish between relationship conflict and domestic and family violence, abuse or coercive control.

The discussion in this article is primarily about couples experiencing relationship difficulties such as ongoing disagreement, emotional disconnection, repeated conflict, loss of friendship or intimacy, or uncertainty about whether they remain in love with one another.

It should not be interpreted as suggesting that couples experiencing domestic or family violence, abuse, coercive control or significant safety concerns should remain together for the sake of their children.

Where there are concerns about violence or safety, the situation needs to be considered within the context of safety and the individual needs of both children and adults. The appropriate response may be very different from the discernment process described here.

What about what the children want?

Children’s voices matter.

A child may say:

“I just want Mum and Dad to stop fighting.”

Another may say:

“I don’t want to have to move between two houses.”

Or:

“I want to see both Mum and Dad.”

These statements can provide valuable insight into what family life feels like for a child. Recent AIFS research highlights the importance of understanding children’s experiences following parental separation and considering their views in age-appropriate ways (AIFS, 2026).

However, there is an important difference between listening to children and asking children to decide whether their parents should stay together.

That decision belongs to the adults.

Parents can listen carefully to their children’s experiences without placing the responsibility for the future of the relationship on them.

What do children and young people want after separation?

Research also gives us an important insight into what children and young people themselves want when their parents separate. Lodge and Alexander (2010) highlighted that adolescent wellbeing is supported when parents are sensitive and responsive to their children’s needs, involve them appropriately in decision-making, and work to minimise parental conflict.

This was reinforced by research conducted by the Australian Institute of Family Studies . Carson, Dunstan, Dunstan and Roopani (2018) spoke with 61 children and young people aged between 10 and 17 whose parents had separated. Their experiences highlighted several things that children and young people wanted from their parents and the family law system.

They wanted their views to be listened to when parents were making decisions about parenting arrangements. They also wanted opportunities to have a voice in decisions about their care and living arrangements, rather than feeling that decisions were simply being made for them. Importantly, children wanted their concerns about safety and abuse to be taken seriously and acted upon.

The young people also expressed a desire for more information about the family law process, as well as access to counsellors, psychologists and support groups to help them navigate the emotional and practical challenges associated with family separation (Carson et al., 2018).

These findings remind us that separation is not simply a matter between two adults. Children and young people have their own experiences, concerns and needs, and their voices can be an important part of understanding what arrangements will best support their wellbeing. At the same time, involving children in decision-making does not mean placing the responsibility for adult decisions on them. Rather, it means creating opportunities for their views to be heard, considered and responded to in an age-appropriate way.

So, what questions might parents consider?

Rather than asking only, “Should we stay together or separate?”, parents might consider:

• What are our children experiencing in our relationship at the moment?
• How much conflict are they exposed to?
• Do they feel caught between us?
• What would need to change if we remained together?
• Are we both willing to make those changes?
• If we separated, how could we support our children’s relationships with both parents?
• How could we protect them from being placed in the middle?
• What would provide them with stability and security during a period of change?

These questions shift the focus from simply preserving the relationship or ending it to considering what kind of family environment the children are experiencing and what each possible pathway might mean for them.

Where does discernment counselling fit?

This is where discernment counselling can offer a different kind of support.

Discernment counselling was developed for couples who are uncertain about the future of their relationship, particularly where one partner is leaning towards separation while the other wants to preserve the relationship and pursue couples therapy.

Unlike traditional couples counselling, the immediate goal of discernment counselling is not to repair the relationship. The goal is clarity and confidence about the next step (Doherty, Harris, & Wilde, 2016).

For parents, this can provide an opportunity to slow down and consider the bigger picture:

• If we stay together, what will need to change?
• Are we both willing to work towards those changes?
• What would our children experience if we remained together?
• If we separated, how could we support our children through that transition?
• What kind of family environment do we want to create for our children, whatever happens to our relationship?

These questions do not necessarily require immediate answers.

Sometimes couples need time and professional support to move beyond the urgency of “Do we stay or do we go?” and begin to understand what each possible pathway might mean for themselves and their children.

Considering the future of your relationship?

The family environment you create — whether together or following separation — matters.

Discernment counselling provides a structured and respectful space for couples to slow down, listen, reflect and consider the possible pathways forward. The aim is not to persuade a couple to stay together or to separate, but to help each person develop greater clarity about the relationship and the direction they wish to take (Doherty et al., 2016).

If you and your partner are uncertain about whether to work towards rebuilding your relationship or consider separation, discernment counselling may provide a helpful place to begin.

References

ANROWS, 2017. Inter-Parental Conflict, Parenting, and Child Development in Australian Families, Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety. Australia. 

Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2017). Inter-parental conflict, parenting, and child development in Australian families. Australian Institute of Family Studies.

Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2026). Children’s support needs following parental separation. Australian Institute of Family Studies.

Carson, R., Dunstan, E., Dunstan, J., & Roopani, D. (2018). Children and young people in separated families: Family law system experiences and needs. Melbourne: Australian Institute of Family Studies.

Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counselling for “mixed-agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255.

Lodge, J., & Alexander, M. (2010). Views of adolescents in separated families: A study of adolescents’ experiences after the 2006 reforms to the family law system. Melbourne: Australian Institute of Family Studies

Can our marriage be repaired? Should we separate? Is it too late to rebuild our relationship?

Sometimes both partners want to work on their relationship. But what happens when one person wants to save the marriage while the other is unsure, ambivalent, or considering divorce?

What is Discernment Counselling?

Discernment Counselling is a short-term process designed to help couples gain clarity and confidence about the future of their relationship.

It is different from traditional couples counselling. The immediate goal is not to resolve the couple’s problems or teach communication skills. Instead, the focus is on understanding the relationship, exploring each person’s perspective and considering what direction to take next.

Doherty describes this as a “pre-couples therapy” approach. Before beginning the work of repairing a relationship, a couple may first need to answer a more fundamental question:

Are we both willing to try to rebuild this relationship?

Discernment Counselling provides a structured environment in which both partners can explore that question without being pressured towards either staying together or separating.

Why was Discernment Counselling developed?

Doherty developed the model after recognising a gap in traditional couples therapy.

Many couples therapy approaches assume that both partners have at least some commitment to preserving and improving their relationship. But couples on the brink of divorce may not share the same goal.

One partner may be saying, “I want to save our marriage. I am willing to work on it.”

The other may be saying, “I’m not sure I want to stay. I’m not sure counselling can change how I feel.”

Doherty identified these couples as “mixed-agenda” couples and argued that they require a different approach from couples who arrive at therapy with a shared commitment to working on the relationship.

Who is Discernment Counselling for?

Discernment Counselling may be appropriate when:

• one partner is considering separation or divorce while the other wants to work on the relationship
• the couple is experiencing significant relationship distress and feels stuck between staying and leaving
• traditional couples counselling has been attempted, but one partner is uncertain about continuing
• both partners recognise that they need greater clarity before deciding what to do next.

It is particularly suited to couples where there is ambivalence—where the future of the relationship has not yet been decided.

It is not designed to persuade someone to remain in a relationship when they have made a firm and final decision to leave. It is also not appropriate where there are circumstances such as domestic violence or coercive control that make joint participation unsafe.

How does Discernment Counselling work?

Discernment Counselling is intentionally brief. The model developed by Doherty involves one to five sessions, with couples initially committing only to the first session before deciding whether they wish to continue.

The first session is generally longer, allowing time to understand the history and current crisis in the relationship. Subsequent sessions provide opportunities to explore the situation in greater depth.

An important feature of the model is that the counsellor spends time individually with each partner as well as together with the couple. This gives each person an opportunity to speak openly about their experience, hopes, fears and uncertainties.

The counsellor helps each partner explore questions such as:

What has happened to our relationship?
What has brought us to this point? What patterns, hurts, disappointments or decisions have contributed to the current crisis?

What have we already tried?
Have we attempted counselling, changed our behaviour, taken time apart or tried other ways of improving the relationship?

What would need to change?
If we were to try to rebuild the relationship, what would each of us need to do differently?

Am I willing to try?
Is there enough willingness to put divorce aside for a period of time and genuinely explore reconciliation?

This process encourages each person to look not only at their partner’s contribution to the difficulties, but also at their own contribution to the relationship’s problems. This can be an important part of gaining clarity, regardless of which direction the couple ultimately chooses.

What are the possible pathways?

Doherty’s model identifies three possible directions.

1. Continue the relationship without making significant changes

The couple may decide that they are not ready to make a major decision or change at that time.

2. Move towards separation or divorce

The couple may conclude that ending the relationship is the direction they wish to pursue.

3. Commit to reconciliation

The couple may decide to put divorce aside for a defined period and commit to intensive couples therapy and personal change to explore whether the relationship can be rebuilt.

Importantly, Discernment Counselling itself is not couples therapy. If a couple chooses the reconciliation pathway, they would then transition into appropriate couples counselling.

What does the research tell us?

Doherty et al, 2016 examined 100 consecutive couples experiencing significant relationship distress, and all were considering the possibility of divorce. Approximately half had already contacted a divorce professional, and m)any had previously attempted some form of couples counselling.

The researchers found that about half of the couples chose to move into couples therapy with the intention of reconciliation, while most of the remaining couples chose the divorce pathway. The study therefore demonstrated that Discernment Counselling could provide a structured process through which couples could make decisions about their next steps.

When you’re standing at a crossroads

Being uncertain about the future of your marriage can be an incredibly difficult place to be. You may feel caught between hope and disappointment, love and hurt, or the desire to repair the relationship and the fear that it may no longer be possible.

You don’t necessarily have to make one of the biggest decisions of your life while feeling overwhelmed by the crisis.

Discernment Counselling provides an opportunity to slow down, understand what has happened, listen to each person’s perspective and carefully consider the possible pathways forward.

Sometimes the next step is to work towards rebuilding the relationship. Sometimes it is to move towards separation. And sometimes the first step is simply gaining enough clarity to know what you need to do next.

If you and your partner are unsure whether to stay together, separate, or give your relationship another opportunity, Discernment Counselling can provide a space to pause, reflect and explore the way forward. Book a 15 minute introduction session with us today.

Reference:

Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment Counselling for “Mixed-Agenda” Couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255.