When a relationship reaches a crisis point, couples can find themselves asking difficult questions:
Can our marriage be repaired? Should we separate? Is it too late to rebuild our relationship?
Sometimes both partners want to work on their relationship. But what happens when one person wants to save the marriage while the other is unsure, ambivalent, or considering divorce?
What is Discernment Counselling?
Discernment Counselling is a short-term process designed to help couples gain clarity and confidence about the future of their relationship.
It is different from traditional couples counselling. The immediate goal is not to resolve the couple’s problems or teach communication skills. Instead, the focus is on understanding the relationship, exploring each person’s perspective and considering what direction to take next.
Doherty describes this as a “pre-couples therapy” approach. Before beginning the work of repairing a relationship, a couple may first need to answer a more fundamental question:
Are we both willing to try to rebuild this relationship?
Discernment Counselling provides a structured environment in which both partners can explore that question without being pressured towards either staying together or separating.
Why was Discernment Counselling developed?
Doherty developed the model after recognising a gap in traditional couples therapy.
Many couples therapy approaches assume that both partners have at least some commitment to preserving and improving their relationship. But couples on the brink of divorce may not share the same goal.
One partner may be saying, “I want to save our marriage. I am willing to work on it.”
The other may be saying, “I’m not sure I want to stay. I’m not sure counselling can change how I feel.”
Doherty identified these couples as “mixed-agenda” couples and argued that they require a different approach from couples who arrive at therapy with a shared commitment to working on the relationship.
Who is Discernment Counselling for?
Discernment Counselling may be appropriate when:
- one partner is considering separation or divorce while the other wants to work on the relationship
- the couple is experiencing significant relationship distress and feels stuck between staying and leaving
- traditional couples counselling has been attempted, but one partner is uncertain about continuing
- both partners recognise that they need greater clarity before deciding what to do next.
It is particularly suited to couples where there is ambivalence—where the future of the relationship has not yet been decided.
It is not designed to persuade someone to remain in a relationship when they have made a firm and final decision to leave. It is also not appropriate where there are circumstances such as domestic violence or coercive control that make joint participation unsafe.
How does Discernment Counselling work?
Discernment Counselling is intentionally brief. The model developed by Doherty involves one to five sessions, with couples initially committing only to the first session before deciding whether they wish to continue.
The first session is generally longer, allowing time to understand the history and current crisis in the relationship. Subsequent sessions provide opportunities to explore the situation in greater depth.
An important feature of the model is that the counsellor spends time individually with each partner as well as together with the couple. This gives each person an opportunity to speak openly about their experience, hopes, fears and uncertainties.
The counsellor helps each partner explore questions such as:
What has happened to our relationship?
What has brought us to this point? What patterns, hurts, disappointments or decisions have contributed to the current crisis?
What have we already tried?
Have we attempted counselling, changed our behaviour, taken time apart or tried other ways of improving the relationship?
What would need to change?
If we were to try to rebuild the relationship, what would each of us need to do differently?
Am I willing to try?
Is there enough willingness to put divorce aside for a period of time and genuinely explore reconciliation?
This process encourages each person to look not only at their partner’s contribution to the difficulties, but also at their own contribution to the relationship’s problems. This can be an important part of gaining clarity, regardless of which direction the couple ultimately chooses.
What are the possible pathways?
Doherty’s model identifies three possible directions.
1. Continue the relationship without making significant changes
The couple may decide that they are not ready to make a major decision or change at that time.
2. Move towards separation or divorce
The couple may conclude that ending the relationship is the direction they wish to pursue.
3. Commit to reconciliation
The couple may decide to put divorce aside for a defined period and commit to intensive couples therapy and personal change to explore whether the relationship can be rebuilt.
Importantly, Discernment Counselling itself is not couples therapy. If a couple chooses the reconciliation pathway, they would then transition into appropriate couples counselling.
What does the research tell us?
Doherty et al, 2016 examined 100 consecutive couples experiencing significant relationship distress, and all were considering the possibility of divorce. Approximately half had already contacted a divorce professional, and m)any had previously attempted some form of couples counselling.
The researchers found that about half of the couples chose to move into couples therapy with the intention of reconciliation, while most of the remaining couples chose the divorce pathway. The study therefore demonstrated that Discernment Counselling could provide a structured process through which couples could make decisions about their next steps.
When you’re standing at a crossroads
Being uncertain about the future of your marriage can be an incredibly difficult place to be. You may feel caught between hope and disappointment, love and hurt, or the desire to repair the relationship and the fear that it may no longer be possible.
You don’t necessarily have to make one of the biggest decisions of your life while feeling overwhelmed by the crisis.
Discernment Counselling provides an opportunity to slow down, understand what has happened, listen to each person’s perspective and carefully consider the possible pathways forward.
Sometimes the next step is to work towards rebuilding the relationship. Sometimes it is to move towards separation. And sometimes the first step is simply gaining enough clarity to know what you need to do next.
If you and your partner are unsure whether to stay together, separate, or give your relationship another opportunity, Discernment Counselling can provide a space to pause, reflect and explore the way forward. Book a 15 minute introduction session with us today.
Reference:
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment Counselling for “Mixed-Agenda” Couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255.
