Get clarity on confusing narcissistic abuse terms. From gaslighting to trauma bonding, this glossary explains what really happened to you in plain English.Retry
A
Abuse Cycle
In narcissistic abuse, the abuse cycle typically follows three recurrent phases: idealisation, devaluation, and discard (Walker, 1979; Dutton & Painter, 1981). In the idealisation phase, the individual with narcissistic traits presents as highly attentive, affirming, and affectionate, often employing strategies such as love-bombing to rapidly foster emotional dependency. The devaluation phase involves an escalation of criticism, emotional invalidation, and other forms of psychological abuse, resulting in progressive erosion of the victim’s self-esteem and autonomy. The discard phase may involve abrupt withdrawal, abandonment, or replacement with an alternative source of narcissistic supply. Some cycles include a “hoovering” phase, wherein the perpetrator attempts to re-establish the relationship. While certain behaviours may be deliberately employed for control, others may reflect ingrained maladaptive interpersonal patterns. Regardless of conscious intent, the cycle is harmful and destabilising for the victim.
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B
BIFF Method
An acronym for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, developed by Bill Eddy for responding to hostile or manipulative communications, particularly in high-conflict situations (Eddy, 2014). In the context of narcissistic abuse, BIFF limits emotional engagement and reduces opportunities for escalation while maintaining clarity and professionalism. It is frequently used in co-parenting, legal, or workplace communication.
Blame Shifting
A defensive process in which responsibility for harmful behaviour is deflected from the perpetrator onto another party, often the victim. In narcissistic abuse, blame shifting serves to protect the perpetrator’s fragile self-concept and avoid accountability. While it can be consciously manipulative, it may also occur automatically as part of habitual defence mechanisms (Baumeister et al., 1998).
Boundaries
In interpersonal psychology, boundaries refer to the psychological, emotional, and physical limits that protect an individual’s autonomy and well-being. Individuals with high narcissistic traits often disregard or violate others’ boundaries, perceiving them as obstacles to their own gratification. Persistent boundary violations contribute to the erosion of the victim’s sense of agency and safety (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
Bounded Choice
A communication approach in which the victim presents only pre-determined, safe options to the narcissistic individual, limiting opportunities for manipulation or derailment. This method supports boundary enforcement and decision-making control in high-conflict contexts (Lipsky, 2009).
Breadcrumbing
A pattern in which the perpetrator provides sporadic and minimal positive reinforcement—such as occasional praise, affection, or attention—insufficient for a secure relational bond, but enough to maintain the victim’s emotional investment. In narcissistic abuse, breadcrumbing prolongs the victim’s hope for relational improvement, despite the absence of genuine commitment. The mechanism resembles intermittent reinforcement schedules in behavioural psychology (Ferster & Skinner, 1957).
Broken Record Technique
An assertiveness strategy in which the individual calmly and consistently repeats a set boundary or message despite attempts at diversion or escalation. This method is rooted in behavioural and assertiveness training and is particularly effective when the narcissistic individual attempts to derail or wear down resistance (Smith, 1975).
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C
Cluster B Personality Disorders
A diagnostic grouping in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) comprising antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder (APA, 2013). These disorders share core features of dramatic, emotional, or erratic thinking and behaviour. In the context of narcissistic abuse, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder—or with prominent narcissistic traits—may also exhibit traits from other Cluster B disorders, influencing the nature and severity of abusive patterns.
Co-dependency
A maladaptive relational pattern characterised by an excessive focus on meeting another person’s emotional needs—often at the expense of one’s own—accompanied by an over-reliance on external validation for self-worth. In the context of narcissistic abuse, the victim’s identity, emotional stability, and decision-making become disproportionately tied to the approval of the narcissistic partner. This dynamic frequently includes over-accommodation, avoidance of conflict, fear of abandonment, rationalisation of abusive behaviour, and emotional enmeshment. While the term is not a formal DSM diagnosis, its features overlap with dependent personality traits and are well documented in clinical literature (Beattie, 1987; Cermak, 1986).
Coercive Control
A strategic pattern of behaviours designed to dominate, intimidate, and restrict the victim’s autonomy. Common tactics include monitoring, isolation, gaslighting, threats, control over bodily autonomy, and the erosion of social connections. Coercive control is increasingly recognised in legal and policy contexts as a form of domestic abuse, and may be enacted with or without concurrent physical violence (Stark, 2007).
Covert Narcissism
A presentation of narcissistic pathology characterised by introversion, hypersensitivity to criticism, and passive-aggressive hostility, often concealed beneath a socially acceptable or even altruistic façade. In contrast to overt narcissists, covert narcissists may present as vulnerable or self-effacing in public, reserving manipulative and abusive behaviours for private interactions (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010).
Criticism (Sensitivity to)
An exaggerated reactivity to perceived negative evaluation. In individuals with narcissistic traits, even mild or constructive feedback can be experienced as a significant threat to self-esteem, potentially triggering defensive hostility or narcissistic rage. This hypersensitivity may stem from underlying narcissistic injury and fragile self-concept (Ronningstam, 2005).
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D
Destabilisation
A process in which the perpetrator deliberately or inadvertently induces psychological disorientation in the victim, often through inconsistent communication, contradiction, or sudden behavioural changes. In narcissistic abuse, destabilisation undermines the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions and decisions. While some destabilising acts are consciously manipulative, others may reflect entrenched interpersonal dysfunction (Herman, 1992).
Devaluation
The phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle in which the perpetrator shifts from idealising the victim to belittling, criticising, or emotionally withdrawing from them. This process erodes self-esteem and creates dependency by destabilising the victim’s sense of worth. Devaluation may be intentional or may occur reflexively when the victim no longer provides the level of narcissistic supply the perpetrator requires (Dutton & Painter, 1981).
Discard
A phase in which the perpetrator abruptly ends the relationship, emotionally withdraws, or replaces the victim with another source of supply. This can be enacted with cruelty or indifference, often after a prolonged period of devaluation. Although sometimes calculated to maximise distress or control, it can also reflect the narcissist’s inability to sustain attachment without continual gratification (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
Don’t JADE
An acronym for Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This technique limits over-engagement and prevents providing the narcissistic individual with emotional “hooks” for further manipulation or invalidation. In narcissistic abuse recovery, avoiding JADE behaviours preserves emotional energy and reinforces boundaries (Stosny, 2013).
Double Bind
A no-win situation where a person is presented with two or more contradictory demands or expectations, each carrying negative consequences. In narcissistic dynamics, this fosters helplessness, shame, and dependency, as whatever choice the victim makes is wrong.
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E
Ego
In psychology, the ego refers to the part of the self that mediates between internal needs, external reality, and social expectations. Healthy ego development relies on caregivers meeting a child’s needs for soothing, affirmation, and guidance, which are gradually internalised.
In narcissism, ego development is often incomplete or fragile. Instead of having an internal, stable sense of worth, the narcissist depends on others (“self-objects”) to regulate self-esteem. This creates a constant need for admiration, validation, or control, and leaves the ego vulnerable to shame, criticism, or perceived abandonment.
Emotional Abuse
A form of non-physical abuse characterised by persistent verbal aggression, humiliation, manipulation, gaslighting, and other tactics that undermine the victim’s emotional well-being. In narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse is a core feature and often precedes or accompanies other forms of control. Its impact can include complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) and long-term psychological harm (American Psychiatric Association, 2013; Herman, 1992).
Empathy (Deficit in)
In clinical terms, narcissistic personality disorder involves a marked impairment in empathic capacity—specifically, difficulty recognising or caring about the feelings and needs of others (APA, 2013). In narcissistic abuse, this deficit manifests as disregard for the victim’s suffering and an inability or unwillingness to respond compassionately.
Enabler
An individual who, knowingly or unknowingly, facilitates or sustains the abusive behaviour of the perpetrator. Enablers may minimise the abuse, defend the perpetrator, or discourage the victim from seeking help. While some act with deliberate intent to protect the perpetrator, others may be manipulated into supporting the abuse (Lamb & Keon, 1995).
Entitlement
A pervasive belief in one’s right to special treatment or unearned privileges, often at the expense of others. In narcissistic abuse, entitlement underpins many exploitative behaviours, leading the perpetrator to disregard the victim’s boundaries, autonomy, and rights (APA, 2013).
Exploitation
The act of using another person for one’s own advantage, whether for emotional gratification, status, financial gain, or other benefits. In narcissistic abuse, exploitation is often rationalised by the perpetrator’s sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. This may be deliberate or occur as an ingrained relational pattern (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
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F
Fantasy (Grandiose)
A persistent preoccupation with visions of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. In narcissistic abuse, such fantasies support the perpetrator’s inflated self-image and may serve as justification for exploitative or dismissive treatment of others (APA, 2013).
Flying Monkeys
Third parties recruited—wittingly or unwittingly—by the perpetrator to monitor, harass, pressure, or discredit the victim. These individuals may be manipulated into believing the perpetrator’s version of events, acting out of loyalty or misinformation. While some knowingly participate in abuse, others are unaware of their role (Freeman, 2017).
Future Faking
A manipulation tactic in which someone makes promises or commitments about the future to secure trust, gain compliance, or delay consequences, with little or no genuine intention of following through. It exploits hope and optimism to control or pacify others.
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G
Gaslighting
A form of psychological manipulation in which the perpetrator persistently denies, distorts, or fabricates information to cause the victim to doubt their perception, memory, or sanity. Clinically recognised as a form of emotional abuse, gaslighting can be both a deliberate control tactic and an entrenched relational behaviour. Its effects include erosion of cognitive confidence and reality testing (Stern, 2018).
Gaslighting by Proxy
A form of gaslighting where the manipulator enlists a third party to deliver misleading, minimising, or discrediting messages. This creates the impression that the distorted perspective is objective or widely shared, amplifying confusion and self-doubt in the target.
Grandiosity
An inflated self-image characterised by exaggerated claims of abilities, achievements, or importance. In narcissistic abuse, grandiosity may manifest as dismissiveness toward the victim’s perspective, monopolisation of attention, and an assumption of superiority in all contexts (APA, 2013).
Grey Rock Method
A harm-reduction strategy used by victims to minimise engagement with an abusive person. The victim presents as emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting—limiting information sharing and emotional reactions—to reduce the perpetrator’s incentive for interaction. The approach derives from behavioural extinction principles (Skinner, 1953) and is most effective when combined with broader safety planning.
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H
Haughtiness
A presentation of arrogance and superiority marked by disdain for others perceived as inferior. In narcissistic abuse, haughtiness is used to assert dominance and invalidate the victim’s perspectives or contributions. It may be overtly displayed or subtly embedded in tone and behaviour (APA, 2013).
Hoovering
A post-separation tactic in which the perpetrator attempts to re-engage the victim in the relationship, often after a period of distance or termination. Strategies may include professing love, offering apologies, promising change, or feigning vulnerability. While hoovering can be calculated to regain control or narcissistic supply, it may also arise from attachment insecurity and fear of abandonment (Carnes, 1997; Dutton & Painter, 1993).
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I
Idealisation
The phase in the abuse cycle during which the perpetrator elevates the victim to an exaggeratedly positive status, offering intense praise, attention, and affection. This fosters emotional dependency and masks underlying instability in the relationship. Idealisation is often followed by devaluation when the victim fails to meet unrealistic expectations (Walker, 1979).
Image Management
The strategic cultivation of a socially favourable persona to conceal abusive behaviours and maintain credibility with outsiders. Image management may be deliberate—through charm, philanthropy, or public kindness—or habitual, reflecting deep-seated concern with status and reputation (Goffman, 1959).
Intermittent Reinforcement
A behavioural conditioning pattern in which rewards or positive responses are delivered unpredictably rather than consistently (Ferster & Skinner, 1957). In narcissistic abuse, intermittent reinforcement may not always be consciously applied but nonetheless strengthens the victim’s emotional bond to the perpetrator, making separation more difficult.
Isolation
The reduction or severance of the victim’s access to supportive social networks, resources, and opportunities for autonomy. Isolation can be intentional—used to increase dependency—or emerge from possessive or controlling tendencies. Regardless of intent, it heightens the victim’s vulnerability and diminishes their ability to seek help (Stark, 2007).
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L
Limited Contact
A boundary-setting strategy involving minimisation of interaction with the abusive individual to essential matters only, often used when full No Contact is not possible (e.g., shared parenting). Communication is typically structured, brief, and unemotional (Eddy, 2014).
Love-bombing
An early-stage relational tactic involving excessive displays of affection, attention, and generosity aimed at rapidly creating emotional intimacy and dependency. In narcissistic abuse, love-bombing is often followed by devaluation. While sometimes consciously manipulative, it can also reflect unstable attachment and idealisation tendencies (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
Lying
The intentional communication of falsehoods to manipulate perceptions, protect self-image, or conceal behaviour. In narcissistic abuse, lying is used to evade accountability, distort reality, and maintain control. While often deliberate, habitual dishonesty may also reflect entrenched defensive functioning (Vrij, 2008).
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M
Malignant Narcissism
A severe form of narcissistic pathology characterised by features of narcissistic personality disorder co-occurring with antisocial behaviour, paranoia, and aggression (Kernberg, 1984). In narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissists may exhibit extreme vindictiveness, cruelty, and a willingness to use violence.
Manipulation
The use of influence to control or exploit another person, often through deception, emotional coercion, or strategic omission of information. In narcissistic abuse, manipulation can be intentional or automatic, but its function remains to advance the perpetrator’s needs over the victim’s welfare (Braiker, 2004).
Mirroring
The imitation of another person’s behaviours, attitudes, or values to build rapport and trust. In narcissistic abuse, mirroring is used to create a sense of deep compatibility in the early stages, making subsequent manipulation more effective. While sometimes calculated, it may also stem from a deficient core identity (Ritter et al., 2014). Inadequate mirroring in childhood is believed to contribute to the narcissist’s need for constant admiration, as they seek external confirmation of their worth.
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N
Narcissistic Collapse
A state of emotional disorganisation and vulnerability that occurs when a narcissist’s usual defences—such as denial, grandiosity, or rage—fail to protect them from shame, criticism, or loss of control. It can involve withdrawal, depression, or volatile outbursts.
Narcissistic Mask
A metaphor for the socially constructed persona used by individuals with narcissistic traits to present as more functional, moral, or emotionally healthy than they are privately. The mask is adjusted depending on the audience and the needs of the moment (Goffman, 1959).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
A Cluster B personality disorder in the DSM-5, characterised by impairments in self and interpersonal functioning, including grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. In narcissistic abuse, these traits underpin patterns of exploitation, boundary violation, and control (APA, 2013).
Narcissistic Rage
An extreme, disproportionate anger response to perceived threats to self-esteem or self-image. In narcissistic abuse, rage can manifest as verbal attacks, threats, or physical aggression. While often triggered by criticism, the intensity may reflect underlying shame and insecurity (Kohut, 1971; Ronningstam, 2005).
Narcissistic Supply
The attention, admiration, or affirmation required to sustain the self-esteem of individuals with narcissistic traits. Sources of supply may be idealised, devalued, and replaced depending on their perceived value to the perpetrator. The need for supply drives many abusive behaviours (APA, 2013).
No Contact
A complete cessation of all forms of communication and interaction with the abusive individual. In narcissistic abuse recovery, No Contact is considered one of the most effective strategies for breaking the abuse cycle and preventing re-engagement, though it may be difficult in situations involving shared responsibilities or legal constraints (Stosny, 2013).
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O
Overt Narcissism
A presentation of narcissistic pathology characterised by grandiosity, arrogance, and overtly exploitative behaviour. In narcissistic abuse, overt narcissists often display aggression, dominance, and a blatant disregard for others’ needs or boundaries (APA, 2013).
Object Permanence
In narcissism, this refers to the inability to hold a stable sense that others still care or exist in the relationship when they are not giving attention or validation. Without emotional object permanence, the narcissist may swing between idealising and devaluing others, creating unstable and exhausting relationship dynamics.
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P
Parallel Parenting
A structured co-parenting arrangement in which contact between parents is minimised, with each managing their own parenting time independently. This approach reduces opportunities for conflict, manipulation, and control by the narcissistic parent (Saini et al., 2012).
Projection
A psychological defence mechanism in which an individual attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviours to another person (Freud, 1894/1964). In narcissistic abuse, projection shifts blame and deflects accountability, fostering confusion and self-doubt in the victim. This may occur consciously or as an ingrained defensive process.
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R
Radical Acceptance
A dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) skill involving acceptance of reality without judgment, even when the situation is distressing or unjust (Linehan, 1993). In narcissistic abuse contexts, radical acceptance can help survivors disengage from attempts to change the abuser and focus on their own recovery.
Rage (Narcissistic)
An extreme anger reaction to perceived threats to self-image, often disproportionate to the triggering event. Narcissistic rage may include verbal abuse, threats, or physical violence. Although frequently precipitated by criticism or perceived disrespect, it is rooted in underlying shame and vulnerability (Kohut, 1971; Ronningstam, 2005).
Reactive Abuse
A situation in which the victim, after prolonged exposure to abuse, responds with aggression or hostility, which the perpetrator then uses to portray the victim as the abuser. While the reaction is understandable as a stress response, it can have legal and relational consequences (Herman, 1992).
Red Flags
Behavioural warning signs that may indicate the presence of narcissistic abuse. These can include boundary violations, excessive flattery early in the relationship, inconsistent behaviour, dishonesty, and controlling tendencies. While not diagnostic, red flags can aid early recognition and prevention (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
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S
Scapegoat
An individual—often a child in a narcissistic family system—who is unfairly blamed for family problems and subjected to disproportionate criticism or punishment. Scapegoating serves to protect the perpetrator’s self-image and deflect responsibility (Miller, 1981).
Self-Object
A concept from Heinz Kohut’s self-psychology, referring to how individuals experience others as extensions of themselves that serve vital functions for self-esteem regulation. Narcissists often treat people as self-objects, relying on them for admiration, validation, or a sense of identity, rather than engaging with them as separate, autonomous beings.
Separation–Individuation (Mahler’s theory)
The process where a child forms a separate identity while maintaining a secure attachment to the caregiver. In the development of narcissism, problems in this stage are thought to contribute to fragile self-identity and dependence on external validation. Narcissistic individuals may fear abandonment yet also resist closeness, replaying unresolved individuation struggles.
Smear Campaign
The deliberate or habitual dissemination of false, exaggerated, or misleading information to damage the victim’s credibility and reputation. Smear campaigns can be preemptive—designed to undermine potential disclosures—or retaliatory following separation (Freeman, 2017).
Splitting
Splitting is a defense mechanism where people or situations are seen as “all good” or “all bad,” with no middle ground. It is normal in early development, but in narcissism it persists into adulthood.
Narcissists often idealise someone when their needs are being met, then abruptly devalue them when disappointed or criticised. This black-and-white thinking prevents stable, balanced relationships and leaves survivors feeling alternately adored and discarded.
Stonewalling
The refusal to engage in communication, problem-solving, or conflict resolution. In narcissistic abuse, stonewalling can be used strategically to exert control or passively punish the victim. It differs from temporary withdrawal for emotional regulation, as it is prolonged and intended to block resolution (Gottman, 1999).
Strategic Withdrawal
A planned, temporary disengagement from interaction with the abusive individual to allow emotional regulation, prevent escalation, and reinforce boundaries. This may be used in combination with other communication techniques (Herman, 1992).
Supply (Narcissistic Supply)
The admiration, attention, or emotional energy required by individuals with narcissistic traits to maintain self-esteem and emotional equilibrium. Sources of supply may be idealised, devalued, or discarded as their utility changes (APA, 2013).
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T
Threats
Verbal or behavioural indications of potential harm directed toward the victim, their loved ones, or their property. In narcissistic abuse, threats are used to instil fear, maintain compliance, or punish perceived disobedience (Stark, 2007).
Time-Limited Communication
A technique that restricts the duration of conversations or correspondence to reduce opportunities for manipulation or emotional exhaustion. This may involve pre-scheduled call times, set meeting durations, or concise written exchanges (Eddy, 2014).
Trauma Bond
A strong emotional attachment formed between an abuser and victim through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviours. Neurobiologically, trauma bonding is associated with dysregulation of stress and reward systems, involving cortisol, dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline (Dutton & Painter, 1993; Carnes, 1997).
Triangulation
The involvement of a third party to manipulate relational dynamics, create rivalry, or validate the abuser’s perspective. Triangulation may be intentional or emerge from habitual interpersonal patterns, but it serves to destabilise and disempower the victim (Minuchin, 1974).
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V
Victim Card
The presentation of oneself as the injured or oppressed party to deflect blame, elicit sympathy, or manipulate perceptions. In narcissistic abuse, this may be deliberate impression management or a reflexive defence against perceived criticism (Goffman, 1959).
Violence
The use of physical force with the intent to cause harm, intimidate, or control. In narcissistic abuse, violence may occur alongside emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse, and can escalate when the abuser perceives a loss of control (APA, 2013).
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W
Wound (Narcissistic)
A core developmental trauma theorised to occur in childhood when caregivers fail to provide adequate attunement, validation, or consistent support for the child’s emerging sense of self (Kohut, 1971; Kernberg, 1975). This injury disrupts the formation of stable self-esteem and an integrated identity, often leading to reliance on external validation and maladaptive defences. In adulthood, individuals with unresolved narcissistic injury may react to perceived criticism, rejection, or loss of status with disproportionate defensiveness, withdrawal, or rage — responses understood as reactivations of the original wound (Ronningstam, 2005).
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